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The Path of “Boring”

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When you start a new relationship everything is fresh and wonderful, you are all “gaga.” As the novelty wears off you have to face the real you, your inner personality and the issues or demons that you hide. I think not only with new romantic relationships but with with all people you meet, you set boundaries and begin dialogue.

In each relationship we can revert back to old stereotypical roles we may have played in childhood, with boyfriends, girlfriends, or with past husbands or wives. I am breaking out of these old roles with toxic dialogues into a healthy role of an adult with a nice calm dialogue. I recall my attractions were to troubled, distant, moody men, usually emotionally unavailable and addicted to alcohol. Roles we played were rescuer “trying to help”; or persecutor “trying to blame”; or role of victim “the one who is helpless and blameless.” This becomes a game and you can act out any of these roles at any time you please. To step away from this and work in a healthy role is challenging for some one who has had a dysfunctional life.

Working on a healthy relationship is what I call “different, virgin territory and sometimes boring.” You would wonder why boring, because there is no drama or chaos. I have loved that “high” in my relationships but no more. I am finding when there is no action, I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. I am not sure how to act, how to cultivate a continually nice relationship, where someone actually cares about me, and my welfare. Having found someone who loves me, just the way I am and is there for me is so amazingly different. Finding mutual interests is more fun than commiserating endlessly over obsessed and unhealthy conversation.

As I walk a path to a new way of living I am hoping to be joined by new friends in a more peaceful world. I sometimes catch myself looking for or about to step into a toxic dilemma. I have a fear that the calm life is not working. I am curious has anyone else noticed once you have changed into a healthy lifestyle what do you do with yourself when you seem to want to fall back into the stimulation of chaotic drama instead of enjoying the “boring” life? Any helpful ideas would be appreciated.

What is a healthy relationship?

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As many of you know, a healthy relationship is something I have really never had with a mate. A co-dependent to alcoholics, a person always trying to fix the other is my M.O. My wonderful friend Ann in Colorado sent me a book entitled “Women Who Love Too Much.” I put off reading the book until last week, and have found it to be amazingly like a case study of my life. Growing up in a dysfunctional family is your first clue. My mom was a cleanaholic, among a few other things. These obsessive tendencies are what causes us to be unhealthy. I too have been a workaholic and a clean freak, just ask my friends and family. On top of that I can fix anything.

The move last year to China was the best thing I could do to get out of my co-dependent behaviors and start living a life of just caring for me. One of the steps in the book to recovery is learning to be “selfish.” A word I could never describe as me, I saw myself as never selfish always giving. That is unhealthy according to my book. Learning to honestly say how you feel is a lesson my wise Texan friend Judy taught me this summer. She is a workshop leader of “BePeace.” BePeace® is a practice that combines a scientifically proven method for “feeling peace” with a clear path for “speaking peace” that creates an authentic, compassionate connection. As we learn this practice, we are empowered to pass it on, to “teach peace”. Basically she teaches children and adults how to say what you feel, what you need and how to empathize. A great lesson for me, something we practiced this summer.

Having been isolated for a year in China, than a quick summer back to dysfunctional America I realize how sick I had been. Sorry America but you are dysfunctional! I learned quickly that my family had expectations for me that I no longer cared to fill or be. I had changed and it was difficult for others to accept the new me. I may have less family members speaking to me due to standing up for myself.

Learning to say what you need is so important. I am healthy and on my road to recovery. I found a man that is healthy too and we can talk about these things. It is a work in progress, always tweaking to make it healthy. Nice thing is he will talk to me and say how he feels too. We allow each other to be who we are. It is a nice start in a good relationship. Yes, it is going slow. I am not going to dive in head first and get married again. I will probably do a “Carriage” relationship. (see http://www.susantadlock.com/2011/04/a-carriage-relationship/ ) It is a contract we write how we want to be treated.

Those of you that are married, have you ever done that? I would challenge you to sit with your partner and create a list of ways you want your relationship to be. Ross and I are in the process of that now. It is a give and take contract, each looking for different ways to be treated and treat the other. We will sign it when we feel ready to commit to one another. We will make it renewable in six months to be rewritten, or discarded. It is up to us. Healthy is nice and not chaotic.

Happy Chinese New Year or Xin Nian Kuai Le

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It is 9 pm and you would think bombs were going off in Nanjing to celebrate the year of the rabbit.

Dinner was great with my colleagues.  I took the metro and bus back to my apartment.  Although I still had to walk three blocks, the entire way I dodged fireworks.  Just imagine you are in New York City, only four times the size and every 3rd store, someone is out front lighting fireworks, roman candles and any thing that goes boom, buzz, whiz, and bang!  I was running around them, put my hat on, didn’t know if they would blow up over my head.  The amount of red paper trash and ash is unbelievable.  Andy, Casey,  Randy, Sam where are you, we could go shoot  bottle rockets off the roof of my apartment?  It’s legal!

I did get a Chinese text today from the government to be careful and not start a fire with fireworks.  My neighbor read it to me!  This is the best fire works show ever.  It is non-stop.  Everywhere I look there are fireworks.  This is better than any fireworks show CCCCD ever had!  One gigantic roman candle just exploded right out my bed room window.  I was like all over it, hanging out my balcony window.

Now it is 12:30 and it is still going.  At midnight it was like a war!  My apartment complex set off  those giant exploding dandelion-like balls in the courtyard which shot up to my 28th floor and exploded only ten feet from my glass enclosed balcony.  The sound was deafening, the smell like an arsenal went off and the entire building shook.  I loved it!  Now the town is filled with smoke, car alarms are going off, I hear an ambulance  and I just saw a fire truck rush by.  This was the best Chinese New Year’s ever.

Love yourself first to best love another!

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Today is Chinese New Year’s eve, and I have a dinner to attend downtown.  Cabs will be scarce so I may have to take a bus and the metro.  This could be another humorous adventure for me.  Speaking of humorous, I have a dear friend in Houston that made a comment to me today about love and humor.  He says,  “the most intimate and successful relationships, he has observed is the “love yourself first to best love another” feature in common.”  What a wonderful thought he expressed to me.  We both find love and humor walk hand in hand.

I think of my past relationship and I can truly say he did not love himself.  I ponder this, and think why was that so?  How can someone not love who they are?  Such a foreign  thought for me, because loving myself is so easy.  I so enjoy who I am and I seem to be my best friend.  I can entertain, cook and just find things to do all the time to enjoy.  I find humor in just the simplest sights and actions.  I like to write funny stories about the simple everyday humor I bump into.  The camel at the toll booth as we are driving to the Great Wall, oh my gosh how funny is that?  Paying 5 RMB to take an old wrinkly Chinese lady’s picture and I had to ‘Jew’ her down from 10!  The term “Jew.” I picked up from my dad.  He used that expression when be bargained for antiques.  He was such an “Archie Bunker” personality!  You want to laugh, let my dad talk about diverse populations in his 60’s slang wording?  OMG he would embarrass me to death as a teenager.  What I would give to sit at the kitchen table and just listen to him, now.  He died of cancer some years back.

If you are seeing humor and experiencing it all the time, wouldn’t that make you a happy person?  I think so.  Smile and the world smiles too, a great expression.  I like doing that as I walk down the street.  How many Chinese will smile at me today?  I of course will smile first, as the sight of a white lady with curly blond hair is so foreign to them.  They can’t but stare.  So I smile, and then they realize they are staring and shoot you back the biggest sometimes toothless grin, you have ever seen.

Remember Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young?  “If you can’t be with the one you love, then Love the one your with.”  I will put a new spin on this song and say “love yourself, if you can’t be with the one you love!”  Learn it is okay to take care of yourself, love yourself and laugh at yourself!  Good advice Bill, thanks!


Forbidden City

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The Forbidden City was the Chinese imperial palace from the Ming Dynasty to the end of the Qing Dynasty.  Located in the middle of Beijing it was the home of Emperors and their households (including concubines), as well as the ceremonial and political center of the Chinese government, for almost five hundred years.   The complex covers 7,800,000 sq, ft. consisting of 980 buildings with 8,707 rooms.  It was built around 1406.  The palace complex exemplifies traditional Chinese palatial architecture.   When I walked in I noticed the buildings were brightly painted and rambling to the end of the horizon.  One building after another.  It was just the most amazing place, I kept imagining myself as a little emperor playing on the stairs, hiding behind walls, and climbing the most delightful shaped trees.

One of the trees had gnarled elbows with long branches hanging downward which looked like dragon claws.

I love this tree and want one in my yard!

I found a couple artisans, one carved me a chop mark that says su san, maybe su shan.  Su means family name.  San stands for the number three and they seem to prefer Shan which means mountains.  Personally it means family of twin peaks, my play on words.   Then I meet a teacher from the local art university.   He was selling his work along with other professors to help generate money for scholarships.  I am a sucker for helping kids go to art school and  bought a black and white oil panel with the four children holding red yarn stars and a traditional tiger painting.  Love my art finds.

Inside some of these rooms we found mini-museums of pottery, jewelry, weaponry and ceremonial attire.

Then a trip to the hutongs or alleyways of Beijing to eat and shop.  I ran out of memory on my card but here is my find at a propaganda store.

My OBaMao T-shirt “Man who serves the people!”

By train to Beijing and Tienanmen Square!

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Daisy and I left at midnight by train to Beijing.  She booked us a berth.  We had the top bunks, above two other twin sleepers.  It was quite a climb up and then only two feet in height to sleep, rather claustrophobic and extremely warm.     Underneath us was a young officer in the PLA (Peoples Liberation Army), a cute man named Galileo (Wong Zhang Tao).  He is the first Chinese army soldier and the first Galileo  I have ever met.  I couldn’t resist to ask him, “What is your job in the army?”   The response was something I never expected.  He is a magician, an entertainer somewhat like a performer in Bob Hope’s traveling show.  Did he ever entertain us, card tricks and disappearing money.  I laughed at his antics as he changed a Kennedy half dollar into an old Chinese coin.  My fear of the Chinese army was totally dispelled  after meeting him.

Ten hours on an overnight train was interesting to say the least.  Next to our hotel, in a typical Chinese neighborhood near Daisy’s university alma mater.   We had no tub or shower stall, only a shower nozzle overhanging the toilet, another unique Chinese bathroom!   The hotel room was clean and included a buffet breakfast.  I keep forgetting toast/butter/jelly and fried eggs are not on the menu.  I am not sure I like green steamed cabbage, black hard boiled eggs and porridge for my first meal of the day.   Oh well, give it a try, not bad!

Next stop Tienanmen Square.  I have heard so much about this place and was delightfully surprised to find a large civilized outdoor shopping area next to an open assembly square surrounded by government buildings.  The gate to the Forbidden City was at one end with a humongous picture of Mao over the top.  It was sunset and we were fortunate to see the army march out onto the square and take the Chinese red flag down.  Twenty years ago, no westerns would have been able to see this.  It was an awesome site.  I was so excited I bought an army hat!

Tomorrow the Forbidden City and the hutongs!

I have a dream…

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I have a dream…

a song to sing.   a story to tell.   a life to live.

Should you really wonder, if I am okay.

My story is unfolding, simply day by day…..

I do not know where I will be tomorrow,

but I do know this, I am on a journey

something not to forget.

I am in a boat sailing on the ocean, looking at the moon light

wondering where I will drift.

It is just my dream….

It is not hard to follow.

Come away with me and see what I have to discover.

You are always welcome.

Take my hand.

Snow on plum blossoms, an auspicious omen

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Plum Blossoms in the winter snow, an auspicious Chinese omen.  Have you ever seen flowers bloom in the winter?  I must admit this is a first for me.  These lovely blooms I photographed today on campus after the snowfall.  In China this is one of the “Four Gentlemen”  or one of the four plants that represent the four seasons in Chinese tradition ink wash art.  The plum blossom represents winter, the orchid for spring, the chrysanthemum  for autumn, and the bamboo for summer.

I photographed bamboo from Tonglu and chrysanthemums from a traditional Chinese ink painting a 16 year old student created.  Now I need to find orchids!  My spring quest!  I am so ready for spring.  Today was the end of our fall semester.  What is spring festival?  I am about to find out.