When you start a new relationship everything is fresh and wonderful, you are all “gaga.” As the novelty wears off you have to face the real you, your inner personality and the issues or demons that you hide. I think not only with new romantic relationships but with with all people you meet, you set boundaries and begin dialogue.
In each relationship we can revert back to old stereotypical roles we may have played in childhood, with boyfriends, girlfriends, or with past husbands or wives. I am breaking out of these old roles with toxic dialogues into a healthy role of an adult with a nice calm dialogue. I recall my attractions were to troubled, distant, moody men, usually emotionally unavailable and addicted to alcohol. Roles we played were rescuer “trying to help”; or persecutor “trying to blame”; or role of victim “the one who is helpless and blameless.” This becomes a game and you can act out any of these roles at any time you please. To step away from this and work in a healthy role is challenging for some one who has had a dysfunctional life.
Working on a healthy relationship is what I call “different, virgin territory and sometimes boring.” You would wonder why boring, because there is no drama or chaos. I have loved that “high” in my relationships but no more. I am finding when there is no action, I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. I am not sure how to act, how to cultivate a continually nice relationship, where someone actually cares about me, and my welfare. Having found someone who loves me, just the way I am and is there for me is so amazingly different. Finding mutual interests is more fun than commiserating endlessly over obsessed and unhealthy conversation.
As I walk a path to a new way of living I am hoping to be joined by new friends in a more peaceful world. I sometimes catch myself looking for or about to step into a toxic dilemma. I have a fear that the calm life is not working. I am curious has anyone else noticed once you have changed into a healthy lifestyle what do you do with yourself when you seem to want to fall back into the stimulation of chaotic drama instead of enjoying the “boring” life? Any helpful ideas would be appreciated.
Boring and peaceful are two different things. Evaluate your feelings and adjust your semantics before you sabotage yourself, my friend!
Great advise from Deborah! I’ve read this post at least five times and thought a lot about it. There can be a fine line between peaceful and boring. Peaceful and boring are relative to the individual. What I consider peaceful or boring may be different than how someone else defines them. There was a time when peaceful for me was a day with no bombs, machine guns, or possible death. But after a couple days in base camp peacefulness turned to boredom and I was ready to resume the daily life. I know that is extreme, but as crazy as it may be, those were my peace/boredom/life. Those experiences changed my definitions forever. You know my current situation and many of the things I deal with. My definitions required some fine tuning. If peaceful for you is a life of no problems or challenges, then search for that. But if a series of those type peaceful days turn to boring for you, then consider redefining your pursuit of peacefulness. I have a load of experience with separation from loved ones. Cultivating a new relationship long distance, as you are now, is tough. If you were living near or with Ross and seeing him daily, then you could find new ways to share your relationship. But with thousands of miles between you, it is extremely difficult. If Ross is the guy you want, then hang in there!! You’ll be together soon and you’ll be able to share each other.
One more important thing to remember is don’t loose sight of who the “real” Susan is. You are smart, full of love, and you are a teacher. You have a unique gift Lady. You love teaching and helping others to get more out of life and you do it extremely well. That part of you is not drama nor chaos – it is you. So maybe you are not falling back into the chaotic drama. Maybe you just need to find the right people to help and fulfill Susan’s inner needs. Hugs – Wes
Wes and Deborah,
In this context the word boring means lack of stimulus, and having come from so much chaos and toxic stimulation in past relationships, boring is a good thing.
I haven’t known what to say to you about this blog entry. But today I gave my card to a student in my painting class and in her e-mail to me she shared this link, http://beyondthetears.blogspot.com/, it made me think of you, especially when she said, ” Survivors of trauma are often drawn into drama by reacting without thinking.” and I thought you might enjoy reading at least the latest entry, Sept 24th.
Be Well,
Ann
I love these pictures!